My Deepest, Darkest Secret. (by The B*tch)

I have an obsession with office supplies. Phew, it feels good to get that off my chest. I want to scream it from the roof.  I LOVE OFFICE SUPPLIES!! I could spend days on end in the beautiful aisles of Staples. (My therapist would probably attribute this to the fact that it was the one thing my dad and I did every summer before school started, but I attribute it to the fact that it makes work slightly more bearable and stops me from jumping off my desk to my death...it's a very tall desk.) Here are a few exciting things you should clearly add to your office:

iPhone--watch out...

This little gadget now makes it much easier to hide the fact that you are on your cell at work...just close it quickly and pretend that you are trying to get that stupid trackball to work..."Lousy Chinese craftsmanship". Conclude by telling your boss that they should really start buying American.

No window in your office? Not a problem with this H20 powered calculator...Fuck solar power!

...Of course it would be better if if was more like your Aunt Alice and ran on straight vodka.

Need the perfect gift for your hippie coworker who chastises you for not recycling EVERY scrap of white paper?  Think GREEN with this hybrid:

A USB and a Highlighter! What WILL they think of next?

Fatty at work still stealing your snacks?  Try the Diet Floor:

Put this mat in front of the fridge and it will spout out a friendly reminder such as "Think about your diet before you snack!" How thoughtful!  (Employers: It will also cut down on food costs.)

From the engineer of Fred Flintstone's car:

Cut down on electric costs by having your employees power their own fucking computers. Even better, find a new way to torture interns---really make them earn that $0 paycheck!

(Plus: Everyone will become more attractive in the office. Minus: Although it will increase inter-office romance, this may end up decreasing productivity in the long run.)