Am I fat? (by the B*tch)

NO!  So please shut the hell up Blonde.  You do not need diet pills, nor do I--thanks for the suggestion though (ASSHOLE).  

My point being this: The real women of Los Angeles need to all calm the fuck down.  The twigs walking around trying to become movie stars or trophy wives do not represent reality.  And I'm sick and tired of people who weight 110 lbs complaining about being fat, because what the hell does that make me???

To help rectify the situation and to potentially shut you all up, I've done some research:

*The average weight for woman in the US is is 163 lbs...NOT 100!  

*The average dress size of an American woman is a size 14.  (Not a 0 or 2, like you Blondie.)

*90-99% of diets fail to produce permanent weight loss, yet the diet industry makes over $40 billion a year.

So listen up ladies: Stop wasting your money on diet pills and just go to the gym.   Please do, because if you are running on the treadmill, chances are you'll be breathing too hard to say anything to me.  Now I'm going to have a piece of cake.

Are we Alcoholics? (by the B*tch)

So being that I was sitting alone in my little apartment last night, I decided to call up the gay and have a chat.  He too was sitting alone, but he, however, was sitting there in complete darkness polishing off a bottle of wine.  

(Why you ask? Wellllll...he had avoided going out with a friend by saying that he was going to sleep.  This friend, however, is able to see into the Gay's apartment from his own apartment, therefore requiring him to either turn off all the lights or get caught in a lie.  He chose option one.)  

I laughed. He replied, "But at least I'm not drinking alone; Jesus counts as a person."  

If he could do it, I could do it.  I decided to go downstairs to make myself an amaretto sour, and there we both sat in our respective little apartments (only 5min apart) both drinking alone.  At that moment I started to contemplate the state of our alcoholism. 

Where is that fine line that makes someone an alcoholic?

I decided to do some research:

The Mayo Clinic's first symptom: You drink alone or in secret. 

(One check for me, two checks for the Gay.)  

I continued on my quest.

Other symptoms found:

*Finding excuses to drink (CHECK)

*Poor eating habits (CHECK)

*When sober do you regret things done when drinking? (CHECK..if you say not, you are a liar)

*Do you feel depressed or anxious after drinking? (CHECK...yes, i believe we call this a hangover)

*Do you have financial problems due to your drinking? (CHECK.  Drinks in LA are fucking expensive.)

*You develop a tolerance for alcohol. (CHECK...if not, symptom above would be less of a problem.)

At this point I decided to stop because it was getting depressing. Not to mention I don't have enough money to join AA after my alcohol infused trip to Vegas.  I think need a drink. (Is 1:30 too early?)

Are We Sluts? (by the gay)

SLUT - 1) chiefly British : a slovenly woman 2) a: a promiscuous woman; especially : prostitute b: a saucy girl : minx

This question has been on my mind as of late and I thought I would address it to the "public" in a very non-thought out, brain dump, kind of way. So here goes:
What makes a slut? Are we all, in theory, sluts? If one enjoys the act or thought of sex, does that make one a slut? And if so, is it wrong to be slut?

Who knows...I know I sure don't. Sex is quite enjoyable, given the right lighting, the right lubricant, the right wardrobe, and essentially, the right person. But when is too much sex...slutty? Is first date sex slutty? Is sex with random strangers slutty? Does it matter? If two consenting adults both find themselves attracted to one another, then why does it have to be labeled? If a friend and I both like eating hamburgers, and we decided to go to a restaurant that specializes in hamburgers, does that make us food sluts? Where is the line drawn between enjoying something and then being characterized solely by that enjoyment?

And what factors attribute to someone's sluttiness?
-age?
-gender?
-sexuality?
-frequency of sexual activity?
-length of sexual activity?
-excessive discussion of sexual activity?

All of these, and many more, could make or break someone's sluttiness. And I guess what I'm trying to get at is the real question: is this a bad thing?

If we are all essentially slutty people, which may or may not be true, then can it be bad? Can we all finally agree that we live in a sexual society where a girl can go and do her thang and so can a guy and no one will shun the other? Is sex so taboo that we still need to keep what we're doing behind closed doors to ourselves? We all know what we're all doing in there, so why hide it? If you're good at something, you brag about it. Thats what the Olympics are for, a big bragging fest about who can do things the best. Maybe we need to have a Sex Olympics?

Now I'm getting off topic--was there one to begin with????!

Back to my rhetorical questions...

Can only a single person be slutty? Can monogamous relationships be categorized as slutty? If there is an abundance of sex in the relationship, and both are "easy" to each other, is that slutty? And why is it only woman that are categorized as slutty? If one has a penis, does that automatically just make them a "good time" instead of a slut? Is the penis nature's "get out of jail free" card?

And if sex is so widely recognized, especially in the media, why is there still such an emphasis on shunning those who partake in sexual activities? If everyone is talking about it, how bad could it be?

So in this modern day, forward thinking world, what actually defines a slut? And if one is characterized by this negative connotation, does one really even care? And if a slut is a slut who doesn't care, is that slut even a slut at all?

How many virgins have YOU slept with? (by The B*tch)

Yes, I said it. And yes, I really am curious for your answer. To make you feel more comfortable: my answer is one. (Yep, only one virgin, and I like it that way. Thankyouverymuch.)

Why am I asking this question? Let me tell you. So the other day I was hanging out at the Grove, having a nice normal conversation with a couple of friends, when it came out that one individual, who will go unnamed, had lied to his long-term girlfriend about being a virgin. My reaction: ASSHOLE. "Wait, wait," he said...The story was 'complicated'. (Honestly, it wasn't THAT complicated.)

He and his girlfriend of several months were both still virgins when they broke up for the summer. Although planning to get back together that fall, he managed to meet a few nice ladies and have some 'hot fun' that summertime.  So, although he WAS a virgin at the beginning of the summer, he didn't bother to mention that he was no longer one when they finally slept together that fall. (My vote: Still an ASSHOLE.) Virgin Count: 1

Well, the discussion continued on, and I soon came to discover that one of the nice ladies he slept with during that sin-filled summer was also a virgin. (SERIOUSLY??? Does he have some sort of super power that makes virgins rip-off their panties?) Virgin Count: 2

A couple days later, still in shock from all this new information, I discovered that he had slept with an old acquaintance of mine. I was surprised because she seemed far too innocent to have a one-night stand.  Well, she seemed so innocent because SHE TOO HAD BEEN A VIRGIN!  (UNBELIEVABLE!!)  Total Virgin Count: 3

3 VIRGINS???  Is this normal? He says so. I say not. (Actually, he says his virgin count is probably lower than most guys.) Where are all these virgins coming from? How many virgins just randomly decide to have a one-night-stand and get it over with? Possibly more importantly, how many girls are lying about being virgins and allowing men to go around thinking they've deflowered millions?  I want answers, and I want them now.