Am I fat? (by the B*tch)

NO!  So please shut the hell up Blonde.  You do not need diet pills, nor do I--thanks for the suggestion though (ASSHOLE).  

My point being this: The real women of Los Angeles need to all calm the fuck down.  The twigs walking around trying to become movie stars or trophy wives do not represent reality.  And I'm sick and tired of people who weight 110 lbs complaining about being fat, because what the hell does that make me???

To help rectify the situation and to potentially shut you all up, I've done some research:

*The average weight for woman in the US is is 163 lbs...NOT 100!  

*The average dress size of an American woman is a size 14.  (Not a 0 or 2, like you Blondie.)

*90-99% of diets fail to produce permanent weight loss, yet the diet industry makes over $40 billion a year.

So listen up ladies: Stop wasting your money on diet pills and just go to the gym.   Please do, because if you are running on the treadmill, chances are you'll be breathing too hard to say anything to me.  Now I'm going to have a piece of cake.

Are we Alcoholics? (by the B*tch)

So being that I was sitting alone in my little apartment last night, I decided to call up the gay and have a chat.  He too was sitting alone, but he, however, was sitting there in complete darkness polishing off a bottle of wine.  

(Why you ask? Wellllll...he had avoided going out with a friend by saying that he was going to sleep.  This friend, however, is able to see into the Gay's apartment from his own apartment, therefore requiring him to either turn off all the lights or get caught in a lie.  He chose option one.)  

I laughed. He replied, "But at least I'm not drinking alone; Jesus counts as a person."  

If he could do it, I could do it.  I decided to go downstairs to make myself an amaretto sour, and there we both sat in our respective little apartments (only 5min apart) both drinking alone.  At that moment I started to contemplate the state of our alcoholism. 

Where is that fine line that makes someone an alcoholic?

I decided to do some research:

The Mayo Clinic's first symptom: You drink alone or in secret. 

(One check for me, two checks for the Gay.)  

I continued on my quest.

Other symptoms found:

*Finding excuses to drink (CHECK)

*Poor eating habits (CHECK)

*When sober do you regret things done when drinking? (CHECK..if you say not, you are a liar)

*Do you feel depressed or anxious after drinking? (CHECK...yes, i believe we call this a hangover)

*Do you have financial problems due to your drinking? (CHECK.  Drinks in LA are fucking expensive.)

*You develop a tolerance for alcohol. (CHECK...if not, symptom above would be less of a problem.)

At this point I decided to stop because it was getting depressing. Not to mention I don't have enough money to join AA after my alcohol infused trip to Vegas.  I think need a drink. (Is 1:30 too early?)

The Big Day (by the gay)

People shouldn't call their wedding day "The Big Day." Your BIG DAY should be the day you decide that you love yourself for who you are and don't need the love of another to make yourself feel complete.

Throwback of the Week (by the gay)

Just wanted to give a shoutout to those kick-ass girls from the '80s. I downloaded their Greatest Hits last night and have been rocking out to it ever since.
Key tracks:
-Manic Monday
-Eternal Flame
-Hazy Shade of Winter
-Hero Takes a Fall
-Walking Down Your Street
-If She Knew What She Wants
-In Your Room

Basically the entire CD is pop genius.

Good shit.

Are We Sluts? (by the gay)

SLUT - 1) chiefly British : a slovenly woman 2) a: a promiscuous woman; especially : prostitute b: a saucy girl : minx

This question has been on my mind as of late and I thought I would address it to the "public" in a very non-thought out, brain dump, kind of way. So here goes:
What makes a slut? Are we all, in theory, sluts? If one enjoys the act or thought of sex, does that make one a slut? And if so, is it wrong to be slut?

Who knows...I know I sure don't. Sex is quite enjoyable, given the right lighting, the right lubricant, the right wardrobe, and essentially, the right person. But when is too much sex...slutty? Is first date sex slutty? Is sex with random strangers slutty? Does it matter? If two consenting adults both find themselves attracted to one another, then why does it have to be labeled? If a friend and I both like eating hamburgers, and we decided to go to a restaurant that specializes in hamburgers, does that make us food sluts? Where is the line drawn between enjoying something and then being characterized solely by that enjoyment?

And what factors attribute to someone's sluttiness?
-age?
-gender?
-sexuality?
-frequency of sexual activity?
-length of sexual activity?
-excessive discussion of sexual activity?

All of these, and many more, could make or break someone's sluttiness. And I guess what I'm trying to get at is the real question: is this a bad thing?

If we are all essentially slutty people, which may or may not be true, then can it be bad? Can we all finally agree that we live in a sexual society where a girl can go and do her thang and so can a guy and no one will shun the other? Is sex so taboo that we still need to keep what we're doing behind closed doors to ourselves? We all know what we're all doing in there, so why hide it? If you're good at something, you brag about it. Thats what the Olympics are for, a big bragging fest about who can do things the best. Maybe we need to have a Sex Olympics?

Now I'm getting off topic--was there one to begin with????!

Back to my rhetorical questions...

Can only a single person be slutty? Can monogamous relationships be categorized as slutty? If there is an abundance of sex in the relationship, and both are "easy" to each other, is that slutty? And why is it only woman that are categorized as slutty? If one has a penis, does that automatically just make them a "good time" instead of a slut? Is the penis nature's "get out of jail free" card?

And if sex is so widely recognized, especially in the media, why is there still such an emphasis on shunning those who partake in sexual activities? If everyone is talking about it, how bad could it be?

So in this modern day, forward thinking world, what actually defines a slut? And if one is characterized by this negative connotation, does one really even care? And if a slut is a slut who doesn't care, is that slut even a slut at all?

No One Cares (by The Gay)

Why does everyone feel the need to express themselves with bumper stickers? No one gives a shit about who you're voting for, what college you went to and if your child is a honor student or not.

Why put a big fat sticker on your car for an election that will be over in a couple of months? Just b/c you're voting for Obama doesn't mean any of us care. Good for you, I'm glad you're voting, but just b/c you are voting and have a sticker showing us so, doesn't mean that I will follow suit or like you any more. 

In fact, you just cut me off so I realllllly don't give a shit about you, your voting habits or that you went to a college that sells license plate frames. If you really think a bumper sticker will influence voters, you really need to reevaulate the voting public.

Tired of myspace stalking?? (by The B*tch)

So your roommate has still not posted the pictures from the evening before, your old high school friends have still not gotten fat, and all the exes are all still single...what the hell are you supposed to do at work now?  (Well, besides work that is, which is clearly NOT an option.) 

Try this out: WackoSpace's Top Friend generator.  

Not only does it let you rename all your top friends, but you also get to choose new pictures for them (i.e. ridiculously hideous ones.)  This takes awhile, so it's a perfect procrastination tool.

All I have to say is: AMAZING!

http://www.mywackospace.com/top-friends

Patriot Palin (by The B*tch)

It must be that desperate one-time-beauty-queen-need for attention, because Sarah Palin has wasted no time in making headlines.  No, I'm not even going to bother talking about her kid who's 5 months preggers. (I think that speaks for itself.) What I am talking about is her alleged  membership to the AIP.

What is the AIP you ask?  Well, I am thrilled to tell you.  It's the Alaskan Independence Party, which as been pushing for Alaska to secede from the US since the 1970s.  (Palin and her husband both said to be members in 1994.)  While McCain says "Country First", the AIP says "Alaska First--Alaska Always." Well she's turning out to be quite the patriot, isn't she?

The AIP founder once said "I'm an Alaskan, not an American.  I've got no use for America or her damned institution...[T]he fires of Hell are glaciers compared to my hate for the American government." Interesting that McCain's camp dares to question Obama's patriotism...

Furthermore, if THAT wasn't enough, there is even a video of an AIP leader explaining the need for members to "infiltrate" other parties in order to push for Alaskan independence.  (Hmmm, I guess becoming Vice President of the United States would be a good way to start.)

Well McCain, good work vetting this one. I guess one phone call wasn't long enough to dig up all this dirt...or maybe it was just that the volume on your hearing aid just wasn't turned up enough.

www.akip.org

REVISION: Turns out, she wasn't a member...but her husband was...still very suspicious...