Friday, September 12, 2008

Am I fat? (by the B*tch)

NO!  So please shut the hell up Blonde.  You do not need diet pills, nor do I--thanks for the suggestion though (ASSHOLE).  

My point being this: The real women of Los Angeles need to all calm the fuck down.  The twigs walking around trying to become movie stars or trophy wives do not represent reality.  And I'm sick and tired of people who weight 110 lbs complaining about being fat, because what the hell does that make me???

To help rectify the situation and to potentially shut you all up, I've done some research:

*The average weight for woman in the US is is 163 lbs...NOT 100!  

*The average dress size of an American woman is a size 14.  (Not a 0 or 2, like you Blondie.)

*90-99% of diets fail to produce permanent weight loss, yet the diet industry makes over $40 billion a year.

So listen up ladies: Stop wasting your money on diet pills and just go to the gym.   Please do, because if you are running on the treadmill, chances are you'll be breathing too hard to say anything to me.  Now I'm going to have a piece of cake.

Are we Alcoholics? (by the B*tch)

So being that I was sitting alone in my little apartment last night, I decided to call up the gay and have a chat.  He too was sitting alone, but he, however, was sitting there in complete darkness polishing off a bottle of wine.  

(Why you ask? Wellllll...he had avoided going out with a friend by saying that he was going to sleep.  This friend, however, is able to see into the Gay's apartment from his own apartment, therefore requiring him to either turn off all the lights or get caught in a lie.  He chose option one.)  

I laughed. He replied, "But at least I'm not drinking alone; Jesus counts as a person."  

If he could do it, I could do it.  I decided to go downstairs to make myself an amaretto sour, and there we both sat in our respective little apartments (only 5min apart) both drinking alone.  At that moment I started to contemplate the state of our alcoholism. 

Where is that fine line that makes someone an alcoholic?

I decided to do some research:

The Mayo Clinic's first symptom: You drink alone or in secret. 
(One check for me, two checks for the Gay.)  

I continued on my quest.

Other symptoms found:

*Finding excuses to drink (CHECK)

*Poor eating habits (CHECK)

*When sober do you regret things done when drinking? (CHECK..if you say not, you are a liar)

*Do you feel depressed or anxious after drinking? (CHECK...yes, i believe we call this a hangover)

*Do you have financial problems due to your drinking? (CHECK.  Drinks in LA are fucking expensive.)

*You develop a tolerance for alcohol. (CHECK...if not, symptom above would be less of a problem.)

At this point I decided to stop because it was getting depressing. Not to mention I don't have enough money to join AA after my alcohol infused trip to Vegas.  I think need a drink. (Is 1:30 too early?)

The Big Day (by the gay)

People shouldn't call their wedding day "The Big Day." Your BIG DAY should be the day you decide that you love yourself for who you are and don't need the love of another to make yourself feel complete.

Throwback of the Week (by the gay)

Just wanted to give a shoutout to those kick-ass girls from the '80s. I downloaded their Greatest Hits last night and have been rocking out to it ever since.
Key tracks:
-Manic Monday
-Eternal Flame
-Hazy Shade of Winter
-Hero Takes a Fall
-Walking Down Your Street
-If She Knew What She Wants
-In Your Room

Basically the entire CD is pop genius.

Good shit.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Are We Sluts? (by the gay)

SLUT - 1) chiefly British : a slovenly woman 2) a: a promiscuous woman; especially : prostitute b: a saucy girl : minx

This question has been on my mind as of late and I thought I would address it to the "public" in a very non-thought out, brain dump, kind of way. So here goes:
What makes a slut? Are we all, in theory, sluts? If one enjoys the act or thought of sex, does that make one a slut? And if so, is it wrong to be slut?

Who knows...I know I sure don't. Sex is quite enjoyable, given the right lighting, the right lubricant, the right wardrobe, and essentially, the right person. But when is too much sex...slutty? Is first date sex slutty? Is sex with random strangers slutty? Does it matter? If two consenting adults both find themselves attracted to one another, then why does it have to be labeled? If a friend and I both like eating hamburgers, and we decided to go to a restaurant that specializes in hamburgers, does that make us food sluts? Where is the line drawn between enjoying something and then being characterized solely by that enjoyment?

And what factors attribute to someone's sluttiness?
-frequency of sexual activity?
-length of sexual activity?
-excessive discussion of sexual activity?

All of these, and many more, could make or break someone's sluttiness. And I guess what I'm trying to get at is the real question: is this a bad thing?

If we are all essentially slutty people, which may or may not be true, then can it be bad? Can we all finally agree that we live in a sexual society where a girl can go and do her thang and so can a guy and no one will shun the other? Is sex so taboo that we still need to keep what we're doing behind closed doors to ourselves? We all know what we're all doing in there, so why hide it? If you're good at something, you brag about it. Thats what the Olympics are for, a big bragging fest about who can do things the best. Maybe we need to have a Sex Olympics?

Now I'm getting off topic--was there one to begin with????!

Back to my rhetorical questions...

Can only a single person be slutty? Can monogamous relationships be categorized as slutty? If there is an abundance of sex in the relationship, and both are "easy" to each other, is that slutty? And why is it only woman that are categorized as slutty? If one has a penis, does that automatically just make them a "good time" instead of a slut? Is the penis nature's "get out of jail free" card?

And if sex is so widely recognized, especially in the media, why is there still such an emphasis on shunning those who partake in sexual activities? If everyone is talking about it, how bad could it be?

So in this modern day, forward thinking world, what actually defines a slut? And if one is characterized by this negative connotation, does one really even care? And if a slut is a slut who doesn't care, is that slut even a slut at all?

Friday, September 5, 2008

No One Cares (by The Gay)

Why does everyone feel the need to express themselves with bumper stickers? No one gives a shit about who you're voting for, what college you went to and if your child is a honor student or not.

Why put a big fat sticker on your car for an election that will be over in a couple of months? Just b/c you're voting for Obama doesn't mean any of us care. Good for you, I'm glad you're voting, but just b/c you are voting and have a sticker showing us so, doesn't mean that I will follow suit or like you any more. 

In fact, you just cut me off so I realllllly don't give a shit about you, your voting habits or that you went to a college that sells license plate frames. If you really think a bumper sticker will influence voters, you really need to reevaulate the voting public.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Tired of myspace stalking?? (by The B*tch)

So your roommate has still not posted the pictures from the evening before, your old high school friends have still not gotten fat, and all the exes are all still single...what the hell are you supposed to do at work now?  (Well, besides work that is, which is clearly NOT an option.) 

Try this out: WackoSpace's Top Friend generator.  
Not only does it let you rename all your top friends, but you also get to choose new pictures for them (i.e. ridiculously hideous ones.)  This takes awhile, so it's a perfect procrastination tool.

All I have to say is: AMAZING!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Patriot Palin (by The B*tch)

It must be that desperate one-time-beauty-queen-need for attention, because Sarah Palin has wasted no time in making headlines.  No, I'm not even going to bother talking about her kid who's 5 months preggers. (I think that speaks for itself.) What I am talking about is her alleged  membership to the AIP.

What is the AIP you ask?  Well, I am thrilled to tell you.  It's the Alaskan Independence Party, which as been pushing for Alaska to secede from the US since the 1970s.  (Palin and her husband both said to be members in 1994.)  While McCain says "Country First", the AIP says "Alaska First--Alaska Always." Well she's turning out to be quite the patriot, isn't she?

The AIP founder once said "I'm an Alaskan, not an American.  I've got no use for America or her damned institution...[T]he fires of Hell are glaciers compared to my hate for the American government." Interesting that McCain's camp dares to question Obama's patriotism...

Furthermore, if THAT wasn't enough, there is even a video of an AIP leader explaining the need for members to "infiltrate" other parties in order to push for Alaskan independence.  (Hmmm, I guess becoming Vice President of the United States would be a good way to start.)

Well McCain, good work vetting this one. I guess one phone call wasn't long enough to dig up all this dirt...or maybe it was just that the volume on your hearing aid just wasn't turned up enough.

REVISION: Turns out, she wasn't a member...but her husband was...still very suspicious...

Friday, August 29, 2008

Villainous Predator Palin (by the B*tch)

So McCain has chosen his running mate: Sarah Palin.  Looks like McCain has chosen more of a maverick than himself: a lifetime member of the NRA who loves to kill off all the amazing wildlife in her state of Alaska. Good choice because this sharp shooter will REALLY win over all the Hillarettes.... 

Interesting though that someone so Pro Life doesn't hold that position regarding God's other magnificent creatures.

BUT, of course MORE importantly...

Despite the fact that she may have been a former beauty queen, she sure needs a lesson in fashion.  A FUR STOLE? Is it 1950???  

Well, then again, maybe it's to make McCain feel young again...I mean, that's when he would have been at a more appropriate age to run for president.

Winning choice McCain, winning choice.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My Deepest, Darkest Secret. (by The B*tch)

I have an obsession with office supplies. Phew, it feels good to get that off my chest. I want to scream it from the roof.  I LOVE OFFICE SUPPLIES!! I could spend days on end in the beautiful aisles of Staples. (My therapist would probably attribute this to the fact that it was the one thing my dad and I did every summer before school started, but I attribute it to the fact that it makes work slightly more bearable and stops me from jumping off my desk to my's a very tall desk.) Here are a few exciting things you should clearly add to your office:

iPhone--watch out...

This little gadget now makes it much easier to hide the fact that you are on your cell at work...just close it quickly and pretend that you are trying to get that stupid trackball to work..."Lousy Chinese craftsmanship". Conclude by telling your boss that they should really start buying American.

No window in your office? Not a problem with this H20 powered calculator...Fuck solar power!

...Of course it would be better if if was more like your Aunt Alice and ran on straight vodka.

Need the perfect gift for your hippie coworker who chastises you for not recycling EVERY scrap of white paper?  Think GREEN with this hybrid:

A USB and a Highlighter! What WILL they think of next?

Fatty at work still stealing your snacks?  Try the Diet Floor:

Put this mat in front of the fridge and it will spout out a friendly reminder such as "Think about your diet before you snack!" How thoughtful!  (Employers: It will also cut down on food costs.)

From the engineer of Fred Flintstone's car:

Cut down on electric costs by having your employees power their own fucking computers. Even better, find a new way to torture interns---really make them earn that $0 paycheck!

(Plus: Everyone will become more attractive in the office. Minus: Although it will increase inter-office romance, this may end up decreasing productivity in the long run.)