Villainous Predator Palin (by the B*tch)

So McCain has chosen his running mate: Sarah Palin.  Looks like McCain has chosen more of a maverick than himself: a lifetime member of the NRA who loves to kill off all the amazing wildlife in her state of Alaska. Good choice because this sharp shooter will REALLY win over all the Hillarettes.... 

Interesting though that someone so Pro Life doesn't hold that position regarding God's other magnificent creatures.

BUT, of course MORE importantly...

Despite the fact that she may have been a former beauty queen, she sure needs a lesson in fashion.  A FUR STOLE? Is it 1950???  

Well, then again, maybe it's to make McCain feel young again...I mean, that's when he would have been at a more appropriate age to run for president.

Winning choice McCain, winning choice.

My Deepest, Darkest Secret. (by The B*tch)

I have an obsession with office supplies. Phew, it feels good to get that off my chest. I want to scream it from the roof.  I LOVE OFFICE SUPPLIES!! I could spend days on end in the beautiful aisles of Staples. (My therapist would probably attribute this to the fact that it was the one thing my dad and I did every summer before school started, but I attribute it to the fact that it makes work slightly more bearable and stops me from jumping off my desk to my death...it's a very tall desk.) Here are a few exciting things you should clearly add to your office:

iPhone--watch out...

This little gadget now makes it much easier to hide the fact that you are on your cell at work...just close it quickly and pretend that you are trying to get that stupid trackball to work..."Lousy Chinese craftsmanship". Conclude by telling your boss that they should really start buying American.

No window in your office? Not a problem with this H20 powered calculator...Fuck solar power!

...Of course it would be better if if was more like your Aunt Alice and ran on straight vodka.

Need the perfect gift for your hippie coworker who chastises you for not recycling EVERY scrap of white paper?  Think GREEN with this hybrid:

A USB and a Highlighter! What WILL they think of next?

Fatty at work still stealing your snacks?  Try the Diet Floor:

Put this mat in front of the fridge and it will spout out a friendly reminder such as "Think about your diet before you snack!" How thoughtful!  (Employers: It will also cut down on food costs.)

From the engineer of Fred Flintstone's car:

Cut down on electric costs by having your employees power their own fucking computers. Even better, find a new way to torture interns---really make them earn that $0 paycheck!

(Plus: Everyone will become more attractive in the office. Minus: Although it will increase inter-office romance, this may end up decreasing productivity in the long run.)

How many virgins have YOU slept with? (by The B*tch)

Yes, I said it. And yes, I really am curious for your answer. To make you feel more comfortable: my answer is one. (Yep, only one virgin, and I like it that way. Thankyouverymuch.)

Why am I asking this question? Let me tell you. So the other day I was hanging out at the Grove, having a nice normal conversation with a couple of friends, when it came out that one individual, who will go unnamed, had lied to his long-term girlfriend about being a virgin. My reaction: ASSHOLE. "Wait, wait," he said...The story was 'complicated'. (Honestly, it wasn't THAT complicated.)

He and his girlfriend of several months were both still virgins when they broke up for the summer. Although planning to get back together that fall, he managed to meet a few nice ladies and have some 'hot fun' that summertime.  So, although he WAS a virgin at the beginning of the summer, he didn't bother to mention that he was no longer one when they finally slept together that fall. (My vote: Still an ASSHOLE.) Virgin Count: 1

Well, the discussion continued on, and I soon came to discover that one of the nice ladies he slept with during that sin-filled summer was also a virgin. (SERIOUSLY??? Does he have some sort of super power that makes virgins rip-off their panties?) Virgin Count: 2

A couple days later, still in shock from all this new information, I discovered that he had slept with an old acquaintance of mine. I was surprised because she seemed far too innocent to have a one-night stand.  Well, she seemed so innocent because SHE TOO HAD BEEN A VIRGIN!  (UNBELIEVABLE!!)  Total Virgin Count: 3

3 VIRGINS???  Is this normal? He says so. I say not. (Actually, he says his virgin count is probably lower than most guys.) Where are all these virgins coming from? How many virgins just randomly decide to have a one-night-stand and get it over with? Possibly more importantly, how many girls are lying about being virgins and allowing men to go around thinking they've deflowered millions?  I want answers, and I want them now.

Bling Water. (by The B*tch and The Blonde)

When I first heard that Bling Water was the hottest item to hit the club scene, I laughed out loud because it went amazingly well with the idea of bottle service in general. (People buying bottles of $20 vodka for $200 in order to pretend to be wealthy enough to throw money away in the hopes of getting laid.)  See advertising example below:

Well recently, I encountered said item.  I was waiting for my flight back to Los Angeles and decided that I should utilize this 2 hour delay by going to buy a bottle of water from the gift shop.  (My mother always says not to trust the water they give you on the plane.  Why, I do not know.)  So I go inside and THIS is the first thing I see.  $50 for a bottle of water!  Not to mention t-shirts, hats and other paraphernalia covered in tiny rhinestones spelling out 'bling'. (Quick reminder, bedazzled clothes are no longer considered fashionable.)  I was in such a state of shock that I asked if they had ever sold a bottle of this.  The guy replied that they sell out all the time!  

Potential Buyers:

a) Rappers

b) Dot.com Billionaires

c) Euro Trash

d) Bev Hills brats who charge it to the emergency credit card because "...but dadddddyyyy, it SPARKLES like MEEEEEE"

e) Idiots

Lesson to be learned: Perhaps this is why the rest of the world thinks America is ridiculous. We actually  bedazzle bottles of water and sell it for $50 a pop.  (PS--If you own this, I hope you saved that bottle and drink tap out of it everyday in order to get your money's worth.)

Want to wake up to the most annoying noise in the world?? (by The Blonde)

No, I fucking don't. Especially when I was in the midst of a hot, steamy dream starring me and a shirtless Ryan Philippe. So please don't interrupt my goddamn beauty sleep with a BZZZZZZZZ! of an alarm clock that makes me want to throw it across the fucking room.

Better idea: In an unexpected twist, this alarm clock hurls ITSELF across the room.  Talk about self-aware:  it actually knows how annoying it is.  So now Sleeping Beauty can awake heroically to catch a flying helicopter alarm before it clocks her roommate in the head...second thought, let it knock her out so I can get some real sleep.

Pet Peeve #2: Name Dropping (by The B*tch)

If you do not socially hang out with or work closely with George Clooney, Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio- STOP CALLING THEM GEORGE, BRAD AND LEO!  Seriously, you aren't fooling anyone.

Hipsters (by The B*tch)

Reality check: You are not remotely unique or different. You look just like everyone else living near Sunset Junction in your unattractive skinny jeans, oversized cardigans and 7 scarves. (Side note: Since when did guys with chicken legs become hot??) Do what you want, but keep in mind that even though you THINK you are too cool for school, you could use a lesson in reality...not to mention fashion. (PS-Wearing glasses with black plastic frames does not actually mean you are an artist.)

Pet Peeve #1: Bloggers (by the B*tch)

Ok people, I really hate to burst your bubble, but no one cares what you have to say.  Really.  It's time to face reality and give it up...Except for us of course, because THIS blog is going to make a huge impact by being one of two billion on a free blogging website -- World, watch out.

Skinny Jeans and Neon High Tops (by The B*tch)

Not attractive in the 80s, not attractive now.  These items are not like wine and cheese: they do not improve with age. (Unlike your mother.) 

In the A-yer (by The B*tch)

Adding -YER to the end of every word does not mean you are good at rhyming or rapping.  Come on people, pay-yer your songwriters a little more.  

And no, I'm not going to throw my hands up--I'm going to throw up.